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Do you know how deep and radical the Father’s love for you is? Not just generally, not just when everything is going well or when you’ve been a ‘good Christian’. But in your failings and fallings, when you’ve fallen into the pit and are covered in dirt, are you still able to truly understand and claim the love God has for you? Or do you shy away from God? Do you claim to be unworthy of Him? It’s human nature to fall into the pit, and, though the feelings we get as a result of this are common to all- they are definitely not from God. It’s in these times I have struggled so much to see myself in His eyes. I have struggled to see just how much He truly loves me. But in reality, none of what I feel or think of myself is how God sees me. Even in my lowest lows, God sees me as righteous, as His daughter; as pure, holy, blameless and spotless. But it’s through my failings and fallings that God has shown me His perfect love.  

And, I’m still on the road  to unlocking more and more of God’s heart but it definitely is a love beyond human comprehension. It’s too radical, too perfect, and greater than any human love that my words really become mere words; our human language isn’t enough to explain the fullness of His love. To be honest, I’m starting to see why Aquinas himself stopped writing- I really do get it. Words just aren’t enough. And so, I ask, as you read this blog, allow the Holy Spirit to reveal His love to you, to help you truly understand so that it may not be just words you’re reading but truth that touches your very heart.

Prayer

Father, I thank you for Your unconditional and unfailing love that You so freely give. I surrender all of my thoughts, my feelings and my view of Your love, in exchange for Your truth. Holy Spirit, help me and guide me so that as I read these words, it may be You speaking directly to my heart. Help me to truly grasp Your love so that it may change me from within.

Jesus died for your past, present and future

I’ve grown up in faith and the crucifix is something I have seen everywhere, matter of fact, I wear one around my neck. Though I’ve dwelled on it so many times, to grasp what this truly meant took me a long time. Only recently have I been able to understand the realness of it because every time I fall, every time I fail, I forget the truth that Jesus died for me- that He finished everything on that cross. He didn’t just die for the old me, the part of me before I came into faith, but he died for the entire me. Jesus died for the me that messes up time and time again. He died for my past failings, present failings and future failings so much so that “while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). Take a moment to soak this in. Jesus died for the you the didn’t even know Him yet. He died for the you that was rejecting Him. He died knowing that you may never even love Him back. Jesus died knowing how many times you would mess up and fall. He died knowing that you could never return the same love to Him. Yet none of that stopped Him. None of that changed His mind about you nor prevented Him from choosing you. He sees the ugly parts of you that no one else sees and still chooses you. That’s how big and vast His love for you is. What makes you think He loves you any less in your failures? Everything you have and could possibly do is all covered. Everything. And if He were to die for you again, He would do it without a doubt. The only thing you have to do is accept His love.

God only wants your heart

It’s not always easy to see yourself in God’s eyes. Many times we fall into the mind frame that God’s love for us is conditional to how we behave, what we do or whether we even love Him back. From my experience, I know how easy it is to focus on the number of times you’ve fallen and messed up. It’s easy to enter into the whirlwind of disappointment, regret and unworthiness.  But, the more I go on this journey, the more I see that God only wants my heart. It was never really about the things I can do for Him, it was never about trying to be a ‘perfect Christian’. Because really, all of that I cannot do by my own strength. But it was always about my heart for Him. It was about giving God my heart and letting Him have control. It was always about my yes to Him and trusting that He would do the rest. Because you see, as humans we will face trials, we will slip up. Our journey isn’t always going to be as straight as we would like it to be, but in spite of that, He wants our heart.

Recently, I was reading through John 13 and something that really caught my eye was Jesus predicting Peter’s denial and Judas’ betrayal. Firstly, here you can see that Jesus doesn’t choose on the basis of perfection; He knew both would betray Him yet He chose them anyway. Secondly, though they both sinned against God, they were both very much entitled to God’s forgiveness. The difference? Peter repented and returned back to God.  Judas, however, did not. Despite Peter’s weaknesses, despite his sinfulness, the difference was in Peter’s heart for God. He loved God very much and was willing to do so much for Him; his thirst evident in many places in the gospels. But was he always perfect? No. Did he fall? Yes, in fact he denied Jesus not once but three times. But that didn’t stop Jesus from choosing him, in fact Peter became the rock of the church. Despite his flaws, Peter chased after God and God used him greatly.

There have been countless times when I have dared to ask God whether He was right in choosing me- whether I was the right person to do His work. Though I love God very much and am so eager and willing to do His work, I become very much disheartened at my failings and fallings. But God showed me that He only ever wanted my yes. More importantly, God wanted my heart, even if my journey isn’t always as steady as I would like it to be.  Maybe your journey looks like one where you are falling, getting back up, falling, getting back up, but be like Peter, be like David, who though they had many flaws and weaknesses, kept on returning back to God, chased after God’s heart and more importantly, gave God their heart.

He awaits with loving arms

The key is to keep on returning. Remember that everyone falls, but no matter how bad the fall is, no matter how many times you do, God is always ready to accept us back. Even if it takes you so many tries, even if you’re always falling and getting back up, God is not going to give up on you. His love for you is much deeper.  Though we keep track of the times we have fallen, God doesn’t. But what He does see is the number of times we’ve gotten back up and ran to Him. That’s His love. It bursts for us. It’s not one of condemnation but of compassion. Every time we return, His arms are always wide open. Like the father in the prodigal son, as you’re returning home, He sees you from afar, drops everything and comes running to you, way before you could even make it to Him. And when He reaches you, He embraces you as if it was the first time you were coming back home.

So do not be disheartened at your failings. If our hearts are there, our weaknesses do not become a barrier for God. He can and will help you. As St Teresa of Calcutta says “give yourself fully to God. He will use you to accomplish great things on the condition that you believe much more in His love than in your own weakness”. God knows no barriers and His love doesn’t diminish when you are in the pit. Rather, His love for you is constant regardless. This isn’t something to be used as an excuse for our shortcomings but I pray these become healing words for those who feel discouraged by their failings. His love is greater.

Let His radical love change you

The only true remedy to our struggles and weaknesses is His love. When we, by our own strength, try our very hardest to get everything right, we actually end up taking our eyes off the One who can help us and does through us. We become like a withered branch cut off from the vine, trying to sustain and produce fruit by ourselves. But when we shift our eyes from trying to do good and staying on right the path to shifting our eyes solely on God and His immense love, everything changes. You begin to see yourself how God sees you. You begin to see that there’s nothing that you can do more or less that will increase or decrease His love for you. His love is constant; let it renew and refine you. Stop trying to do things by yourself. Stop focusing on your failures or the amount of times you’ve failed, stop trying to meet the expectations you hold for yourself and start focusing on His never ending, never changing love for you. Shift your eyes to the truth that you are His son/daughter; you are chosen and deeply loved by Him. He is your loving father who relentlessly pursues you. Allow His radical love to change you.

A reflection from my personal journal

The basis for this blog post comes from a reflection from my personal journal. It was a time when I was in so much frustration and disappointment with myself after, once again, falling into the same pit. As I was praying to God, God spoke these words to me. As you read through this, feel free to add in your name and read it as God speaking to you.

Keep going, keep returning. I pray that you allow His love to set you free. God bless

02/02/21

I fall, I get back up. I fall, I get back up, yet still your mercy and love remains. Sometimes I feel that I am not good enough, God, but you tell me I am your child- spotless and unblemished- but sometimes I have difficulty in believing it and seeing myself in your eyes

God says: you know how much I love you [your name]? So much. Let my words pierce your heart, for they are true. I came in flesh so that I may understand you and I do. Enter into the bountiful pool of my grace, love and mercy. Remember that I CHOSE YOU from the very beginning. I chose you knowing how many times you would fall yet nothing stopped me or changed my decision about you. Know that I will never give up on you, even if you want to or feel like you cannot go on. I won’t and I never will. No matter how many tries it takes, I will not let go of you. I am always with you till the very end.

Believe it, claim it, live it

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord ~ Romans 8:38-39

Want to read about more on God’s love? Read my blog “You’re never too far gone”….

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The more I go through the storms of life, the more I am able to see God’s heart. Though incredibly beautiful, there’s so much more to know.  So much more to discover and uncover. Each time it’s like I’m finding more and more treasure. God makes His heart known through the quiet whispers, scripture, nature and of course through others. Many times, we, at least I, forget that God is in all things. Many times in our problems we forget that God is there. We think He’s unreachable or that He’s too far. When really,  you do not need to go far to see God. In fact, one night as I sat on the stairs bawling my eyes out, I encountered the love of God through a friend.

Story time

It was late, everyone was getting ready for bed. I on the other hand couldn’t quite make it to my room. At the time, I had so much on my mind and my emotions became too intense that I didn’t feel like doing anything. I remember, as I was walking down the stairs, it suddenly became too much for me that I immediately dropped myself onto the stairs and started to cry. Mind you, I was trying my best to be quiet as I don’t particularly like others seeing me cry but after a few minutes my friend found me, on the way to the bathroom. As soon as she saw me, she ran downstairs, grabbed the huge bean bag we had from the living room and sat just below me. She looked up and as she looked up I noticed the care and comfort radiating from her eyes that I immediately felt so much love and peace.

We actually sat and talked for quite some time and though I may not remember everything, other than the important bits of course, one thing I know for sure is that the words that came out of her mouth were definitely not hers. What she said pierced and touched my heart that I knew it was God speaking through her. She was surprised herself as she paused, squinted her eyes and said , “I don’t even know where that came from”. Funnily enough I did. And let me add, she wasn’t even Christian but Hindu. Though she may not have known God’s word, it definitely flowed through her. But it wasn’t just the words that she was saying but her very being: her actions, her eyes, the way she was looking. It was as if Jesus was sitting right in front of me, looking at me with such love, blanketing me with his comfort and care.

He is right in front of us

It was definitely crazy. Though she may have not known, she was being used by God. Through her, God was showing me His heart. In a time when I had so many things on my mind and so many things happening around me. In a time when I didn’t really quite understand the fullness of God’s heart or how He was there even if I didn’t feel it. Through her, God reminded me that He is there in the midst of my problems. When we’re alone in our rooms crouched on the floor, heart in pieces, He is there right in front of us. And in the same way, He’s there in our friend, our family members, the people around us. In fact, even before my friend came to console me, He was already there and afterwards became visible through her.

That night I was stuck in my thoughts and emotions but I realised that though the circumstances may not have changed, God was there in front of me, just as He showed through my friend. Though I may have been sitting around my problems, in the middle of that was Jesus. Everything else may be moving and changing around but once I focus my eyes on Jesus, it’s as if everything around me freezes and it becomes just me and Him sitting face to face. Jesus looking at me the same way my friend did, pouring out His love, reminding me of His truth. Not only did this incident allow me to see His heart but it made me realise the importance of one another and what it ultimately tells us about God.

Pointing back to His love

Relationships are so important, and God knew that when He put us on this earth with others. Not only can we grow and help one another but the love and comfort we receive really point to God and His love, making it tangible to us.  Every good and pure thing points us back to our loving Father. There have been so many times when I would get frustrated by the fact that I cannot physically see or touch God. Times when I would long for a hug from Him. There have also been nights where I’ve cried and said, “God I just need to You to come down right now”. “I want to physically see You, touch You, talk to You face to face”. But then I realise that actually, He isn’t far. Not only does He live inside me but through the relationships that He has placed in my life, I can see Him, I can feel His presence and capture a glimpse of His heart through them.

God lives inside each one of us and can be seen through each of us. He’s there in a conversation with a friend, He’s there in a hug from a loved one, a smile from stranger, the very foundation of marriage. He’s there in it all. But all of this, though so powerful and beautiful is only a glimpse of God’s heart. I can’t even begin to imagine how much more it actually is. Honestly, I think we’d be lost for words trying to describe. His love is far greater than the love experienced through any relationships we encounter here on earth. Like wow. Yet, God is not unreachable. He is closer to us than water is to a fish (St Catherine of Sienna). He lives inside of us and can be experienced through one another.  

If today you hear his voice, harden not your heart

Many times we think that God is far or silent when really, God is continuously speaking to us and is all around. The question is, are we being attentive? Are we seeing Him in ourselves and in others? The presence of storms does not mean the absence of God. Neither does it mean that God wants us to suffer or doesn’t care. This is far from the truth. In fact, it’s in these times you will find Him looking at you with such love, either in the form of a friend, through scripture or quiet whispers of the heart. If  you are unsure of this, think back to a moment you encountered such comfort through another person. God’s love is similar but far greater. Though we may not always see or feel it, He’s there in our pain and He’s certainly there in our joys too.  God is faithful and will never abandon us. If, like me, you are crying out to God desperately wanting to feel His presence, He’s already there. You need not go far.

No one has ever seen God. But if we love each other, God lives in us, and His love is brought to full expression in us- 1 John 4:12

Keep your heart pure. A pure heart is necessary to see God in each other. If you see God in each other, there is love for each other, then there is peace- Mother Theresa

Lately God has constantly been reminding me of two things: He sees me, and He hears me. To be completely honest, though in my previous blogs I have written about how God sees our pain and hears our cry, I find it hard to believe this when nothing seems to be happening. You know, the times when it’s really silent- like you’re forever waiting for God to move or do something. Sometimes I feel like I’m saying the same prayers, asking God the same things but don’t actually hear from Him or see God doing anything. It then becomes an infinite waiting game. I can definitely say that I am the child in the back of the car who, every five minutes, asks “are we there yet, are we there yet?”. Though I know God sees and hears us, actually believing this is a whole other thing. Quite frankly, I’ve come to realise that knowing is not the same as believing. And dare I say it, I have not been believing it that much. But oh, how great is God’s grace that always leads me back.

A Little Backstory

This year has certainly been crazy with many ups and many downs. There have been happy times, sad times, confusing times, and definitely frustrating times. On one of these days, a couple months back, I experienced one of the downs. I was having such a bad day and wasn’t motivated to do anything. In fact, I didn’t even feel like eating or drinking, which is odd because food is usually my weakness. Instead, I was in a complete mess. I felt so drained and remember crying so many times that day, that week even, over so many things that was on my mind. After a few hours I eventually found the willpower to get myself out of bed and so I went downstairs, sat at the kitchen table, and stared blankly into the garden. Staring outside always calms me down; there’s just something therapeutic about looking at the trees and sky. There’s also a lot of birds that come to visit. The bushes, trees and the bird feeder pretty much makes our garden a hotspot for birds. They usually come by, eat the food, tweet at the other birds, and leave but this day was different.

 As I was staring outside, two little birds came up to the window. I’m not quite sure on the type, but they were definitely beautiful. I assumed they would soon fly away but surprisingly they stayed, which drove all my attention towards them. I can’t quite describe it, but at that moment, I felt a sense of peace and comfort. It was as if I could feel God saying “Amandha, I sent them just for you” and the words “I hear you, I see you” kept ringing in my head. But just to confirm, I said “God, if it’s really you, make the birds dance or do something. Not that I expected the birds to just breakout into dance moves, but I wanted some sort of sign. And lo and behold, the birds actually started to move, making small hops from one area to another. Now, I’m no Simon Cowell but I can pass that for a dance. They stayed there for quite some time and moved around so much that I immediately broke into a smile; a smile so huge that the gloominess inside of me exhaled and I started to giggle. And at that moment I was certain that God saw me; I knew and believed it in my heart. He saw my miserable self then and He saw me all the other times. God heard all my prayers, He saw all my tears and as the loving Father He is, not only cheered me up, but reminded me of this. It was such a simple, yet special moment and I could imagine God smiling back as I got lost giggling at the birds trying to entertain me.

God does see, God does hear

I guess all this time I had not truly believed. During my quiet time, God would tell me that He sees me. He would tell me to be still. Every time I questioned and repeated the same things, He would also say the same thing. However, as nothing was really happening, I became so disappointed and dry. But really, it wasn’t that God wasn’t moving or that God couldn’t see or hear me, it was that I didn’t actually believe this. If I did then there would be no disappointment over the complete stillness. There would be no frustration over nothing happening.

Other times I even doubted whether or not He was talking to me. Whether He was talking about the different things that were on my mind. But isn’t He a personal God who knows all and cares about all, even the littlest things? The problem was that instead of claiming what God was telling me, I sat waiting for answers that I wanted, waiting for God to move how I wanted, without understanding that His ways are different, God’s moves are different, and His timing is certainly different. Though we may not always see, God is always working in the background.

The good thing about God is that He never gets tired of hearing the same thing and He never gets tired of reminding us the same thing. The truth is, it’s not that God doesn’t hear or see us, but we don’t hear or see Him.

A Call To Be Still

Though it was a hard pill for me to swallow at first, God was calling me to be still- the very thing I find so hard to do because I’m pretty much a control freak. I don’t like being still and always feel the need to know, to do and to plan. Funnily enough this happens to be the side of me that God wants to take away so that I can rely wholly on Him, during the storms, the sunshine, and especially in the foggy stillness. Instead of getting wound up trying to do things myself and worrying about the future, God is simply asking me to relax and trust Him. At the same time, He reassures and reminds me that He sees me, that He hasn’t forgotten and that He is with me. I believe where I am at is exactly where God wants me to be. When He needs me to know or do something, He will make it clear. As for now, He calls me to be still.

Focus On The One Who Has Control

I know it can be frustrating but if you find yourself in a similar boat, relax and let God do His thing. God hasn’t forgotten. He isn’t ignoring you. His ways may be different, but it most definitely is the best way. If this answer wasn’t what you were looking for, I’m sorry. It wasn’t what I was hoping for either. But must we get so wound up with things that only God can do? Leave it to Him, He knows best.  Nevertheless use this stillness as an opportunity to deepen your roots in Him, to spend more time with God. Instead of worrying about the future or the things you have no control over, focus on God and what He has called you to do in the present. And the rest? Leave it with Him. In the meantime, if you have to, until you start to actually believe, say it over and over again: God sees, God hears, God knows. Be still, trust the process and more importantly, trust God.

“She gave this name to the Lord who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.”- Genesis 16:13

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A while back I came across an image on social media. The image was of two different flowers talking to each other, one pink and one slightly smaller yellow flower. The pink flower was complimenting the yellow flower’s petals and the yellow replied back with “thanks! I feel like I’m blooming way slower than you, though”. To this the pink flower replied back with “we’re different flowers, silly”. Simple but very loud. Immediately I thought wow, so many times we look at other people, whether it be friends, family, celebrities, or people we see on social media and we compare. We compare our looks, style, lives, you name it. Comparison comes in all sorts of different shapes and sizes and can be experienced by just about anyone. It’s not subjected to a gender, age, or status. Everyone experiences it and I’m sure all the top celebrities have too. But God, using this image, gave me an analogy which really helped me see the uniqueness in each person. It made me see how we’re not competing anyone but that everyone is on a different journey, equally as beautiful.

Before we dive into this analogy, just picture yourself in a field with different types of flowers. All different colours, shapes, and sizes. Beautiful, am I right? And if you were to pick just one? Errr, not so easy. They’re just all so beautiful in their own way. Well, we too are like these different flowers. We are all different shapes, sizes, colours but we are just as beautiful as each other. So many times, we look for trends, we try to look like this person or that person but forget that we were created differently, each uniquely beautiful; each bringing a different type of beauty into the field of flowers. I mean, imagine if the field was filled with flowers of the same kind? Wouldn’t it be pretty boring? Well, thank God He made us all different! Thank God He gave us different features, different hair, different personalities. So, be different, be you; you add more flavour than you think!

Different Seasons

And of course, as well as beauty, flowers have different seasons to each other. A little info about me, I’m a plant person. I love flowers and all different kinds of plants, and I quite enjoy growing them too. During university I wanted to grow my first plant but was saddened at the limited choice I had as they all had different growing seasons. Some plants had a faster growing rate than others and some had an earlier start. I ended up choosing parsley; in case you wanted to know. But it got me thinking, just like flowers, we too have different seasons to each other. Sometimes it feels like we are blooming way slower than others but just like the image said, “we’re different flowers, silly”. We have different growing rates and seasons. Just because another person’s season has arrived doesn’t mean that yours won’t come- God has a season for you too, just at a different time.

Either way, no matter how long it takes, all flowers eventually grow, provided they receive the right nutrients of course. But whether it’s a job, education, career path, promotion, partner or whatever it is. It’s all in the timing. God’s timing. The key is patience and trust. And of course, looking after yourself. Water yourself with the right nutrients-God’s truth. His word is a powerful tool and it is what gives us life. And with my parsley plant- I was quite patient and caring and slowly it grew and flourished. In fact, it grew so much that I had to transfer it to several bigger pots. It was crazy!

The Reality Of Social Media

Though this analogy has opened my eyes to the beauty of difference, when it comes to social media, I know it can be a little discouraging and certainly overwhelming at times. Comparison can slowly start to kick in. But we must understand that social media really only shows you a microscopic view. A picture doesn’t tell you much about the background or context. It’s just a picture that shows you a second of a person’s day. Videos are more or less the same. I’m not gonna lie, I can probably go through my posts and point out photos where at the time I was probably going through something rough, but still posted a picture where it seemed like my life was some-what great. Not intentional but it happens. I mean we usually only post the good times and even that, the picture itself can only tell you so much. No one posts about the bad times and so we immediately think that a person’s life must be perfect just from a few posts. But even in that, sometimes what you see isn’t always what is. I think we tend to forget that social media can be deceptive at times. I mean it isn’t all bad. It can be informative, edifying, and positive but we must also be aware that sometimes it really can distort reality.

Different But Equally As Important

Nevertheless, this analogy has helped me and continues to help me see comparison in a different way. Just like flowers, we were all created differently. We are all unique and beautiful in our own way and have different seasons and ways of growing. Each of us look different, have different missions, seasons and are on different paths. But if you really think about it, all of these differences pretty much leads to the same destination. I’m no expert on flowers but though all flowers may be different, besides beauty, they all have an important part to play in the environment. In the same way, though we may be different, we all have an important role to play in God’s plan.  

But yes, at times, it can be hard to avoid feelings of insecurity and all the feelings that come with comparison, but this is when you have to remind yourself of God’s truth. That God made you in His perfect image and likeness. You are His child and everything He made and makes is good, including you! So, whatever distinctive quality, feature, season, or mission God has given you, embrace it! For roses are beautiful and sunflowers are just as beautiful too.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made- Psalm 139:14

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Maybe you’re reading this, and you feel so distant from God. Maybe you feel unworthy? Lost? Broken? Or just too far gone? Hanging on a thread, stuck in sin- thinking what you have done is too big for God. But Son, Daughter, “you are precious in my eyes and honoured and I love you”. “I have called you by name, you are mine” (Isaiah 43:4,1).

I can recall a prominent time in my life when I felt this the most. When I lost so much hope and just wanted to give up all together. When I would go from retreat after retreat, being in what some would call a ‘spiritual high’, only to then fall flat on my face a little after.  In fact, there were many times I have felt lost, broken, unworthy-you name it. Maybe you have gone through this, going through this or visit these feelings from time to time. Or maybe you feel as though you’ve never felt His love or don’t know Him at all. But God, your creator loves YOU and is waiting for you to return home.

Our Worth Is In Him 

So many times, we think we are not worthy enough for God. ‘How can a God so perfect, so Holy, want someone like me?’ ‘What could He possibly do with me?’ But you know what? He thought we were valuable enough to die for us. He died for us knowing what we would do, knowing how many times we would go astray or reject him. But no matter how many times we have given Him a reason to not love us, He still lovingly chases after us. God is not a Father who condemns but a Father who is accepting of who we are and so lovingly tells us to come as we are. He sees us as His child, precious and so worthy. Worthy not because of anything we have done, but who He is, a God of love, unconditional love.

You’re Not The Only One

Still not convinced?  The bible contains countless people who were thought as too far gone. Mary Magdalene- a prostitute, Paul- a persecutor of Christians, David- who committed adultery and murder, and many more others. But despite how far they had gone, despite what they had done, none of this stopped God from choosing them, nor loving them.  The people in the Bible were in no way perfect, nor did they become perfect after being called. They stumbled many times, just like you and I, but God still held onto them. Peter, even after being called, still rejected God. He denied Jesus not once but three times, yet God still chose him to be the rock of the church. If you think God chooses the perfect, then you are totally wrong. No matter what our past may look like, no matter what we may have done or still struggle with, God still chose us and chooses us every day.

Saints In the Making

One conversation I will always remember is one I had with a priest. He asked me quite a striking question which was, ‘why do you think saints are only called saints after they die?’. I’m gonna be honest, I had never actually thought about it before, but it was something I really needed to hear. The saints, although we may view them as holy, were not perfect during their life here on earth. This because the journey to sainthood is a process. We are so quick to judge ourselves in the process when really, we are not born saints but are saints in the making.

He also reminded me of the story of the carver and the little boy which I will attempt to re-tell: There was a carver who was once carving a huge rock. The little boy next door would always see him carving tirelessly. Months later, the carver had finally finished. When the little boy saw the finished work, he was amazed and asked the carver how he knew a lion was inside the rock. Of course, there was no lion, but the carver had carved a lion. He saw the potential in the rock and saw how he was able to make a lion out of it. In the same way, we are the rock, God is the carver and is carving and moulding us every day. He has not finished with us, we are still in the process and although we may not see the potential in us, God does, and He is not willing to give up.

So, to the person reading this who thinks they are too far gone, or that God does not love you or want you, there is nothing too big for Him. God still has His arms wide out for you. To the person who thinks they are good for nothing, God is the God who creates beauty from ashes. Ashes. (Isaiah 61:3). He is the same God who created the universe from nothing. You are certainly way more than nothing or ashes so imagine what more He could do with you. And to the person who thinks they have fallen so many times and that God has run out of second chances, or a billion chances, we, as humans, are going to trip up. We are not perfect; God knows that and still loves us.

His Mercies Never End

You see, God doesn’t look for perfect hearts, but willing hearts. No matter how many times we fall or will fall, His grace and mercies never end (Lamentations 3:23). All we must do is keep on returning back to him, no matter how many tries it takes, and understand that if God is willing to give us grace and forgiveness so freely, then we must also learn to forgive ourselves. And to the person who may not know who exactly God is, well maybe this is your time to find out- seek Him with all you heart and you will find Him (Jeremiah 29:13). God has been waiting for you, knows everything about you and is so madly in love with you.

If you feel discouraged, know that God has been relentlessly pursuing you from the moment of conception (Isaiah 49:1). He chose us, knowing what our lives would be like, how we would be like and how many times we would go against Him. So, rest, for nothing we can ever do can erase His decision. The way I see it is that God has a never-ending rope tied to our foot. No matter how far we think we have gone, we can always find our way back to Him. In fact, though we may go astray, God has never left our side. One thing to know about God is that He does not force Himself onto us. He is patient and will only work if you let Him. He’s constantly knocking on the door of our hearts, but the question is, will you answer?  Will you let Him in?

So, however far you may have run, however many times you may have fallen, it’s time to stop running. It’s time to stop hiding. For you are precious, you are valued, you are loved and certainly never too far gone.

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I was asking God on how I should start this blog post, how He wanted me to convey this message, because to be honest, I have a habit of spiralling off into many things. His answer was, “Amandha, I want them to know my heart” and so, here goes. Let me start by saying God’s heart is so beautiful. His love for us is undeniably perfect. He cares about each one of us, all individually. Yet, whether it be in times of difficulties, silence or in the waiting, it’s so easy to lose sight of this fact. It’s easy to think that God is not listening, that he’s forgotten or maybe that he doesn’t even care. There have been times when I have felt like this. Times when I felt like I was just repeating the same things but not getting anything back from Him. Maybe you too can relate? Although God gently prods me back to the truth, one day He decided to show me just how much he really cares. And through this sweet gesture, I was able to see into His heart. 

Story Time:

I was on holiday in Sri Lanka. For those who don’t know, I was born there so I have quite a lot of family there. On one particular night I was staying over at my grandparents. A little info: My grandma has a knee problem, so she has a live-in helper (lets name her betty for the purpose of this blog) who supports her with the housework and cooking. My grandparents have an extended room, separated but just outside of the main house, and this is where Betty stays. On that night, it was quite late, and everyone was asleep apart from my sister and I- yep the night owls. She wanted to have a quick shower before bed but realised she had left her towel outside to dry and forgot to take it in. Annoyed, she went to grab the keys to the main door and when she opened it, to her surprise, she found Betty standing outside. She had a huge smile on her face and quickly preceded to thank my sister, whilst itching her arms.

For those of you who have been to a hot country, you will know the struggle with all the mosquitoes. Sleeping definitely becomes a sport. But why exactly was Betty so happy to see my sister? Because she had forgotten to take an anti-mosquito mat tablet from the main house, and didn’t have the keys to get inside. Quite a small problem, am I right? But at that moment God whispered, “I care about the little things too”. Immediately all the worries and questions I had at the time started to fade away. God was loud and clear. He gave me the reassurance that I really needed at the time- that He is listening and always has been. He showed me that He knows exactly what is going on, both outside and inside my mind. More importantly, God showed me His heart. He showed me just how much He cares about me.

Betty’s situation was quite minor. It was a case of whether she would be itching all night or not, but God showed me that, even though it was something so small, so insignificant,  He still cared. Likewise, He cares about each one of us. God cares about each of our problems, every single detail, even the things which we may find insignificant.  He cares to the point where our insignificances become His significance.

God Already Took Care Of The Big

I know it’s not easy to see this fact, especially when the situation in no way shows this. Right now, we’re in the middle of a pandemic, an era of uncertainty. So many are dying, ill, in fear, grieving and on top of this is all of our own personal problems. There really is no easy way round this, but it’s in these times when I am reminded that God has already dealt with our biggest problem- our eternity. Nothing can and will ever top that off. Many times, I become so focused on my current problems that I overlook God’s greatest work-His death and resurrection which brought us all eternal life. So many times, I have taken this lightly and have not seen it for the greatness that it is. But if God took care of this biggest barrier, then He is more than able and more than caring about our problems here on earth.

Suffering in this world is inevitable-we unfortunately live in a fallen world. But Jesus’ death and resurrection means that this suffering will only be temporary. His work on the cross means that we no longer have to pay for our sins as for whoever believes will not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16). Like wow. It doesn’t get any better than that. God changed our eternity for us. Let me express this in a different way: imagine having committed the greatest of crimes-maybe murder- and I was to take the blame for you, full responsibility, and let you walk freely.  That is exactly what He did. Jesus took the penalty we should have had- ALL of it! He not only took the blame, but He burned all traces of evidence. He wiped it all away with His precious blood. All we have to do is accept Him. This alone shows just how much God loves and cares for us. And if He cares this much about our eternity, something we ourselves can’t even see yet, then imagine just how much he cares about the problems we can see.

God Will Use It For Our Good

Despite what you’re going through, despite the pain and the hurt, God cares. It might not seem like it at times, but He really does.  He sees every single tear and has never, ever left your side. The circumstance might show otherwise but God’s goodness is not defined by our circumstances- something I have to remind myself time and time again. We may not know why God allows certain things to happen but know that God is not the causer of suffering, nor does He like to see us suffer but what He does say in the bible is that despite the suffering in this world, if we turn to Him, He will use everything for our good (Romans 8:28). Every struggle, loss, heartbreak, failure and even this pandemic. He will surely turn it all into something great. There is nothing God cannot transform neither is anything too big for Him and more importantly, there is nothing too insignificant for Him.   

I don’t know what you may be going through right now but remember, God has already taken care of our biggest burden. The world we live in is temporary and so, suffering is too; it will pass. Nevertheless, He is not deaf to any of our current problems. He cares. Much more than we can even imagine. He reminds us again and again in the bible and He sure did show it to me through Betty. I’m not saying that your situation will change straight away but know that God cares. He is always near, never far and although we may not understand now, there is a purpose to our pain, and He will use it for our good if we let Him. Rest, for it is all in His hands. God hears, God loves, God cares.

He took care of the big, cares about the small and everything in between.

Ever been angry at God? Had doubts? Questioned Him? I’ll raise my hand for this one; in fact, I’ll raise both hands because I am very much guilty of this. I can recall many times when I have questioned God, when I’ve cried out to Him out of anger, frustration, confusion and doubt. There have been times when I have thrown so many questions at Him- asking Him why certain things are happening, why He is allowing them to happen and questioning whether He is there-whether He even cares. There have also been moments when I have taken it further and have been extremely angry with God.

Looking back, God was not to blame at all, and He was not the cause of my pain either. What I felt was so painful that I pushed it all onto Him. Every inch of my hurt, I projected it onto Him. It was wrong of me to blame Him and throw my anger onto Him, I will admit that, but God in no way was surprised by this. He didn’t condemn me for it, nor did He walk away or get angry. Not even once. Instead, He understood. He held me tight and He loved me.

Honesty In The Bible

I guess we have all been in one of these situations at least once but to tell you truth, this isn’t something new. There are many places in the bible where honesty is shown- one main place being the book of Psalms where David questioned God countless times- “How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?” (Psalm 13:1), “O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer, and by night, but I find no rest” (Psalm 22:2). There were times when David felt abandoned by God. He questioned God numerous times and shared his feelings of despair and frustration.  Throughout Psalms, David presents many different emotions and feelings- sadness, fear, reject and even joy but he didn’t hide any of it, instead he brought everything to the Lord.

Honesty Leads To The Truth

David may have been a man of great faith but there were times when he was brutally honest with God. I mean, he was human. But, despite David’s openness, every time he finished complaining, oddly enough, he always returned back and praised God- “But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me” (Psalm 13:5-6). Why might this be? Being honest with God means we open our hearts to Him and in turn to the truth. As we open our hearts, God is able to enter in, strengthen us and remind us of the truth. David, after pouring his heart out to God, remembers who God is, the good things He has done in the past and comes back to the understanding that, although he may be in pain, God is still good. He knew God would come through like he always has, and that his circumstances in no way defined God’s goodness. 

Honesty Leads To Strength  

Diving deeper, the bible shows us that it wasn’t only David who was honest with God, but Jesus was too. Luke 22:39-46 tells us that Jesus was in ‘anguish’ whilst praying in Gethsemane, before His crucifixion. He “knelt down and prayed, ‘Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done”. Jesus knew he was going to face a very cruel death. Although he wanted the will of the Father, He wasn’t entirely happy about this. His desire certainly wasn’t to be killed this way but instead of going along with what was to come and hiding His pain, He brought this to the Lord and gave Him the truth of His heart. He cried out to the Father and gave it all to Him. It was then, through Jesus’ honesty and submission, that God was able to enter and send down His angel to strengthen Him (Luke 22:43).

I think it’s safe to say, the people of the Bible were not perfect at all. They may have had such great faith but were just as weak as us. In times of struggle and uncertainty, they didn’t just go along with their pain but like you and me, they questioned God- they were honest about their pain and weaknesses. Even Jesus, as perfect and divine as He is, also showed His pain.

Whatever It May Be, Give It To Him

Unfortunately, suffering is inevitable in this life. It will drag us through a storm of emotions but instead of hiding them, God wants us to be open and honest with Him. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that being angry at God is right, but it isn’t uncommon. Being angry with Him or questioning Him doesn’t make you less loved by Him or a bad person. We’re human and God understands. Being honest with God means to give him the complete truth of your heart, even if the truth is that you’re angry with Him. Whatever emotion you may be feeling, whether it be anger, abandonment, rejection or sadness- tell Him. Be real and open with God. He will never leave you nor condemn you. David was very open with God, yet God did not give up on him. In fact, God held onto him and used him for His great plans.

I’m not saying to use God as a punching bag, no, but pour your heart to Him and tell Him everything you feel. It is through our honesty that He is able enter in- enter into our heart, our situation and our pain. Once you have told Him every bit of your hurt, surrender everything at His feet and let Him in. Receive His love, grace and mercy and give Him control over whatever situation you are in. Despite what you may feel, God is always with you and will never abandon you. He loves you unconditionally and will get you through the storm.

Give, Surrender And Let Him Work

Honesty really is the best policy. It’s the first step towards healing and it is where God is able to meet us. God doesn’t want us to pretend, go along with our pain or for us to completely shut Him out. But what he does want is for us to be real with Him. He desires for an honest and real relationship with us. Whatever storms you may be going through, whatever you may be feeling, don’t let it shut you out from God, nor let your doubts or questions make you feel as though God doesn’t want you anymore. But take the pain and suffering, go to the feet of the Lord and give Him the truth of your heart- every bit of it- and surrender it all to Him. It is then that He will start to work in and through you.

“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you”- 1 Peter 5:7

“My heart is restless until it finds rest in you, oh Lord”- St Augustine of Hippo

I think we all, at least once in our lives, have done the agonising walk back home from an unplanned grocery trip, thinking we were superman or something. Shout out to the university students who have probably experienced this more than anyone. Carrying one of those big reusable bags in each hand, full of things that were probably not even on the list has got to be a workout. As random as it sounds though, it was on one of these days that Jesus spoke to me. He reminded me about something you and I have probably heard time and time again but may not have fully grasped. If you have read my previous blog post “trust- from a different perspective” then you will already know, or come to know, that God has a funny way of speaking to me using just the ordinary things I do. It’s kind of our thing now (insert shrugged shoulders emoji).

Walking from my student accommodation to Tesco is probably a 15-minute walk, maybe less, but the journey back from shopping? It took way longer than it should have. I went with my friends and we all struggled. My shoulders and arms were aching and the amount of times we had to stop- didn’t even bother keeping count to be honest. I know what you’re probably thinking-why didn’t we take a bus or a taxi? We overestimated our strength. Each time I stopped; I wished for someone to be there to help me carry everything back home. Tired was an understatement. It was at that moment, though, God spoke to me- “but Amandha, this is what you do with your burdens”.  I’m not going to lie, I’ve heard Matthew 11:28 many times-“come to me, all you who are weary and heavy burdened, and I will give you rest”- but it was at that moment I could physically see the reality of it. I could see how my emotional pain had the same effect as the heavy bags did on my back. I could see the pain I was causing myself by trying to carry all my burdens and just how stupid I was to not let someone help me. The pain I experienced in my back was an exact representation of what I was doing to myself on the inside.

We so often hold onto our burdens thinking we can deal with them by ourselves, only to end up with more hurt and pain, making us stop so many times along the way. If someone was to help carry my bags it would have been a whole lot easier. I would be in less pain and the journey back home wouldn’t have been so hard. I sure wouldn’t have stopped as many times as I did. If this is the case, then isn’t it the same with our burdens? Wouldn’t someone else helping us carry it make it easier for us? So many places in the Bible, God tells us to come to Him with our burdens, to cast all our worries and cares on Him (Matthew 11:28, Psalm 55:22, 1 Peter 5:7), yet we tend to hold onto them and try to deal with them ourselves. I’m not going to lie; I have and do struggle with this a lot. It isn’t as straightforward as handing someone a bag but put it this way: if the strongest person in the world offered to carry our shopping bags, would we hesitate? Would we worry about anything happening to our stuff or doubt that they would be able to carry it all? Then why hesitate to give our burdens to the God who created all things, knows all things, loves us deeply and wants only the best for us. We often think we are the only ones who understand what we’re going through but God, God not only understands, but He knows our situation better than we do. He knows what has happened and what is to come. God knows our heart;sees our tears and knows exactly how to help us. He simply wants us to surrender and give it to Him. He knows we can’t handle it by ourselves and is waiting to give us His strength and guidance.

So, how do we actually give it to Him? By surrendering it all to Him: the pain, the problem, worries, fears-everything- and allow Him to take full control. Go to Him and simply say ‘God I give this all to you. I may be broken, upset, confused, but I trust in you. I trust that you know what’s best for me, and I know you are always with me and for me’. Spend time in prayer, reflect upon His abundant love for you in the word. Ask for His guidance and strength. He will not fail you.

“But I gave it to God, why do I not feel better?”. Yup, I hear you. There is usually a misconception of thinking that just because we give a situation or problem to God, we will immediately feel better and not experience pain anymore. Sadly, this is not true. In the same way a back pain will not immediately go away as soon as you hand over your bags to someone, the pain of our burdens won’t either. It may not be as strong, but it will not suddenly disappear. It takes time. But if you keep holding onto the bags, the pain will not only not go away, but it may even get worse. This is the same with our burdens. If we keep holding onto them, the pain will not go away and we won’t be able heal. We must therefore let go and let God take control.

When I finally got home, God showed me one last thing. He showed me how unclear our perceptions are when it comes to dealing with our problems, and how it really isn’t doing us any good. At this point my back was so bad that I had to grab my hot water bottle and heat rub. I can’t lie; I’ve had back pains on and off for a few years now and have even gone to the physiotherapist about it, so I can’t really blame it entirely on the shopping bags. I mean they triggered it and made it worse but yes, I don’t have the best posture. As stupid as it sounds, I did the exercises the physio gave me for a while but may have stopped and may have not gone back to the physio since, oops. Instead I just use my hot water bottle and heat rub when needed, even though I know I should probably go see the physio again. Stupid of me, right? But isn’t this what we do with our burdens? We tend to go the quick fits/short term solutions instead of going to the One who can actually heal us from it. So many times, we go seeking our friends, families, husbands, wives, girlfriends, boyfriends-but they can’t take our pain away. They may help but our pain will still remain. Other times we may even go to extreme: to alcohol, drugs, sex- in the aim of escaping everything, only to find ourselves feeling worse and empty as soon as the ‘high’ fades. With my back pain, even though the hot water bottle and heat rub may make my pain better for a while, it will eventually come back again. If I go the physio, however, I can get to the root cause- my bad posture- and get the right form of treatment.

I get it though, it can be frustrating considering it’s the longer route to take. I know sometimes it may even feel that nothing is happening or changing. It takes time. But I can assure you, there is nothing else that can give you the same peace, hope, strength and love that God so freely gives. God’s right by your side, through it all. God knows, has seen it all and will help you get through it. So, whatever burdens you may be carrying, lay it all down before God. He’s got you!

I may be weak, but your spirit is strong in me, my flesh may fail but my God you never will. Give me faith to trust what you say. That you’re good and your love is great. I’m broken inside, I give you my life- Give me Faith (song by Elevation Worship)

“Trust God”- a term we hear a lot and say to ourselves most of the time. But the reality of it? It’s a struggle. I have caught myself saying this so many times but to be honest with you, I never knew how hard it actually was until trusting God was all that I was able to do. All this time, I thought I had been able to trust God. Like me, you too may have been saying that you trust God- that you trust him with your life, your future, your career etc, but what happens when everything seems to be crumbling? When everything doesn’t make sense, or the storm seems too big? What happens when relationships, friendships or career paths break down? What happens when your circumstances in no way matches anything that God is saying to you? Is it still easy to say, ‘I trust you God’? Sure, we may say it and believe it but it’s a struggle. It’s hard and it’s tiring. Why? Because we are human; we don’t see the bigger picture. We focus too much on the here and now that we are not able to see what lies ahead. If you are in a season where trusting God is difficult for you right now, know that you are not alone. It’s hard and can be very discouraging at times. There is no easy way to this whole ‘trust’ thing, but I do have something that will help you to see it from a different, much simpler perspective. A comparison given to me by the Holy Spirit, during an unusual evening walk, that I would like to share with you.

 A little back story: It was exam season and I was going through something very difficult at the time. I was feeling very overwhelmed and revision wasn’t going too well either, so my friend took me for an evening walk. We were both just walking when suddenly I had a weird urge to walk with my eyes closed. Without telling my friend, I tried doing this but quickly came to my senses and stopped a few seconds after, I mean it was dark and we were near the main road. But I still couldn’t shake off this urge so I turned to my friend and asked her, as odd as it sounded, if I could hold her hand whilst she walked me back home with my eyes closed. All my friends were very aware of how weird I was, so she didn’t really question me and just agreed. As nervous as I was, I grabbed onto her arm and began to walk. As I started walking, Jesus started speaking to me. During the walk and even after, He used each stage to show me the processes of trusting Him and just how simple it can be to surrender and trust Him completely.

The very first thing He showed was my failure to walk on my own. Just like how it would have been dangerous to walk alone with my eyes closed, with nobody to guide me, walking alone through my life without anyone to guide me is just as dangerous. When I was walking, it was dark and there were cars going by; walking alone with my eyes closed could have serious consequences. Similarly, walking alone in life will also have serious consequences and so I need someone to guide me when I do not know what lies ahead- and that someone can only be God.

Secondly, as I grabbed my friend’s arm to let her walk me back home, Jesus pointed out something big. I’m not going to lie, I was very scared at first, I kept pulling my friend back and was so tempted to open my eyes but the more I realised that my friend was guiding me, that she could see the way and that she would not let anything bad happen to me, the more I was able to trust her and the easier it became. Jesus showed me that, if I can trust my friend to walk me back home when I couldn’t see, then I can trust Him, an all knowing and all loving God, to walk me through life. All I need to do is to lean on Him and trust that He will take me to the right destination as He is the One that knows the way, He is the one that sees all things.

Something I noticed on my journey back home was that it felt much longer than it did in the beginning with my eyes open. Jesus used this to show that sometimes it will get tiring and the journey will seem long. Despite this, no matter how long it takes or how long it may feel, just like how my friend took me back home where I needed to be, regardless of how I felt or what it would take, He will also take me to where I need to be. He also showed that, just like how I found it hard to completely trust my friend in the beginning, I will also find it hard, at the start, to continue during tough times and may even want to give up. However, the more I realise that God is guiding me, the more I will be able to trust in Him and the easier it will become.

As I was walking with my friend, I imagined Jesus walking with me. In fact, I truly believed that it was Jesus, and not my friend, that I was grabbing onto- walking me back home and talking to me. I enjoyed the walk so much that I decided to do it again the following week. This time Jesus showed me something different.

As I began to walk, I felt as if I had gone back to stage one again. I was very scared even though I had done it before but Jesus showed me that similarly, time away from Him will also feel like I’ve gone back to stage one again. It will feel scary and will make it hard for me to trust Him again. Therefore, staying close to Him through prayer and reading the bible is vital, it will make the process a whole lot easier. Not only does God speak to us through prayer and scripture but He gives us the hope and strength to go on.

On this walk, I decided to walk on a different road than last time and so the place felt unfamiliar as I was not used to walking there with my eyes closed. But, in the same way, Jesus showed that He will also take us to new and unfamiliar places. We will feel uncomfortable at times but just like how my friend was still there guiding me in this “unfamiliar place”, Jesus will also be there, guiding us, every step of the way and will take us to the right destination regardless.

During my walk I heard people talking on the way.  It confused me as I didn’t know if they were talking to me or talking about me. I mean I must have looked odd walking with my eyes closed. I also saw so many flashing lights, I hit my leg on something and even lost my balance at one point. Jesus used these two events to show me that there will be a lot of people who will tell me different things and sometimes even lies but despite this, I should always keep my focus on Him. He’s the only one that knows the way so we should always listen to Him and Him alone. He also showed how there will be so many things that come my way to destroy me and confuse me but if I close my eyes tighter, I will not see the lights flashing as much and hence will not be as confused. Likewise, we should try our best to block out any confusion and trust the process and trust Him. Sometimes things will hit us or hurt us, but they will not destroy us. We may lose our balance, but He will not let our foot slip!

From these simple but very odd evening walks, Jesus spoke to me when I really needed it- in a time where trusting Him was hard and I could not see past my circumstances and problem. If, like me, you are in a season where you are finding it hard to trust, then I advise you to try this out. It helped me to see it in a different, much simpler perspective. Being in a situation where you are depending on a friend to walk you back home when you can’t see will help you understand how, in the same way, we should and can also depend and trust God to guide us through our life when we can’t see what lies ahead. But for you to understand it fully, you too must try it out!

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight”- Proverbs 3:5-6

“I am with you always”- Matthew 28:20